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Monday, February 11, 2008

its currently 7.15am and ii am freaking hell tired , piss off
and feeling DAMN DAMN hell contradicting ..
ii think its really time ii needed a space for myself to rattle my thoughts .. randomly ..
but maybe a point whereby ii can make myself feel better ..

haven been sleeping for the whole of last night
just trying to work out dad's project proposal with the planning , blue print and
every fucking hell out of the shit ii can currently think of now ..
HATED myself for not able to understand a FUCKING hell
of the blueprints and engineering vocabulary from my dad's draft plan ..
HATED myself more for needed to wake my parents up to guide me thru the work ..
since ii already promised to try my best .. ii really did not try hard enuff ..
HATED my parents for keeping the things till the last day of the CNY break dad's having ..
it makes not only them suffering every year of this time .. but now me !!

on the contradict ..
ii knew clearly that every year of CNY my parents really had SO SO SO much things to handle ..
ii really want to help release my parents work load ..
but ii knew that ii am not the material for dad's business ..
an industry ii have no idea what's ahead for me
and something ii am totally NOT interested in ..
ii just really WANT to help put with my dad's work ..
ii know its hard to .. but ii am really trying to do soo ..
rather suffer myself .. would rather go thru that nonsense which
ii initatially need not go thru ..
den to see my parents needed to handle between both business and family ..

many people takes me as a pampered daddy's girl ..
many doubt my ability of having a job ..
many bets on how long my jobs will last and
definitely weather is the boss fired me or ii fired the boss ..
but ii really want to give a BIG BIG BIG trashing to people out there !!
DO NOT JUDGE ME EVEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME THAT WELL ..
ON THE FACT , YOU DONT EVEN DO !!!
I CAN NEVER BE THE GIRL YOU WANT
BUT I CERTAINLY ENJOY BEING MYSELF!!!
whoever out that sees this ...
please be mindful of your words when speaking about me ..
remember clearly that there's people out there talking about you too ..
and think of what will your parents felt when they heard about it ..

we ended on that very day .. till now .. ii let it go .. feeling that we are really world apart .. we both knew clearly that we are unable to tolerate our different life style , character and ways of handling things .. we aren’t really that close when work seems to be the best thing ii can think of when you are not around me .. whatever it is now .. things happened and it currently will stays at where it is ..

ii don’t want to have any commitment into long lasting relationship currently .. based on my life now .. it’s really not worth for any guy to be with me .. because blasting myself with work , going insane is just basically what ii will do .. being the me and JUST me .. no one else but MYSELF is what ii WANT and will definitely DO it .. pushing myself to the EXTREME , handling things the way ii wan it to be is what ii am born to be .. till one day ii fall dead .. maybe that ‘s the quietest and most peaceful girl you will ever see in me ..
HUBBY , its just 3 words , 8 letters , 1 meaning - I ⓛⓞⓥⓔ YOU !!!
` [[ BABYvan ]] ♥
7:44 AM